With all this baby talk buzzing around, I thought I'd throw in my contribution to the conversation. The past couple of weeks we've been doing some fertility testing to "check out the plumbing" as my Grandma so gingerly put it. (I love you Grandma!)
We've both gone through round 1 of tests and we'll be discussing the results with the specialist on October 10th. So I, of course, feel it necessary to prepare myself and figure out all of our possibilities if the outcome is not favorable. I'm really, really, really interested to know what everyone (personally known or not) thinks about the different options.
Since we're still not sure if it is me, him or both of us, I've been considering all possibilities. Some of the more controversial things like finding a surrogate mother or using a sperm donor have crossed my mind. And if we were to actually consider a sperm donor, the question then is, "someone we know (someone in his family? or a good friend maybe?) or some random Joe?" I'm curious to hear what other people have to say about these two options. I don't want to reveal my opinions quite yet because I don't want to taint the comments. I know it's not your every day water-cooler topic of conversation, but I really would like to know what you think. And though I love knowing who's saying what, feel free to comment anonymously if you feel you must.
Obviously adoption is an option. I'm very open to this and if anyone has tips about LDS adoption services or any other adoption service, or adoption in general. I'm all ears.
18 comments:
Very interesting...As far as a sperm donar goes, I would probably not recommend using a friend or a family member. For starters it would be hard being the donar knowing that the child is 1/2 you if you see them all the time. It is not just a neice or a nephew or a friend's child, but your child as well. And for you it might be a little awkward as well when you see that person or just looking at the child and knowing they are 1/2 you and 1/2 this other person who you know really well. I personally think it would be better to just have it be some person you don't know. I am curious as to how Matt would feel if he knew whose sperm was donated and if he is okay with it now would he feel differently once the child was born? would he feel weird that the child is part of you but not part of him? I guess it is really just between you and your husband.
I don't know if I have any thoughts on a suragate mother. Having carried a child of my own, I can't imagine how hard it would be to carry a child and then have to give it up. But I am sure there are people out there who would be willing to. Would it be a family member? I also think that would be a little awkward and possibly cause tension, (it would be very hard for me to see someone else carrying my baby that isn't me) but maybe that is just me.
If I were in that situation my first choice would be adoption. There are so many children out there who need good families to love and take care of them. I know it would be hard not being able to have a child that is "yours" but once you make them a part of your family they really will be yours and i don't think you will love them any less. Plus I have heard of and know of people who have adopted children and have during the process gotten pregnant, partly due to the fact that the stress of having a baby is gone. I don't know a lot about LDS adoptions but I think it depends on where you live etc. It may take awhile before they have a baby for you, but it might be easier to get a baby from a different culture (Asia). I don't know, I haven't done any research on it.
Anywho this is all just my opionion. I am curious to hear your views on all of this. Children are the most precious thing on this earth regardless of how they got here and I hope that you will soon be holding one of your own. Good luck with whatever option you and Matt choose.
Maren, it's good to hear from you. Thanks so much for your opinions.
Someone just told me about a TV show where they united all of the children they could identify from one sperm donor. Dozens of them. Ugh. Some of them had lived very close to each other. What if they married? The donor himself had no attachment at all for these people, which made some of them feel bad. For the donor it was just a quick way to make money.
The only surrogate mother that I have heard of that seemed like a good idea is the wife's own mother. Umm. I love you but.....
Adoption is a great alternative.
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Sometimes I don't like living in the future. Sometimes I don't like having so many options.
I'm not sure what I think, to be honest. I could type some scintillating opinions anyway, but I would probably disagree with them tomorrow. And although Emerson recommends that, since I won't be around tomorrow to refute myself, I think I'll just refrain for now.
I will ask Lady Steed, though.
We should get in the habit of just calling each other. Do you have Cingular?
Th.:
You share the same sentiments as Matt. I think it's a guy thing. We really haven't chatted much about this together (so I actually don't know how he feels about any of this), mainly because he likes to deal with things when they're in front of him and this isn't really there yet. I, on the other hand, really like to be prepared for whatever could possibly happen so I don't freak out and have a nervous breakdown.
And no, we don't have cingular because I can't talk him into getting a cell phone. Not in the budget yet.
i think that i am with matt on not overanalyzing it until you know what the problem is. but since you want analyses and opinions:
i think that the sperm donor thing is a little too weird. i knew a girl whose sister needed an egg donor and she asked all of her sisters if they would be willing to donate their eggs, and my friend didn't want to because she thought that her sister was not a very nice person and didn't want a baby that was half "hers" being raised by a mean mom. but i think a stranger would be even worse.
anyway, i also saw some CNN thing about surrogate mothers who you can pay something like $10,000 to carry your child. it made it look like a good (but expensive) option. the real mother was even able to get hormone treatments that made her lactate so that she could breastfeed her baby even though she didn't carry it or give birth.
hopefully you will just need a little clomid or something and you will have your hands full with triplets around this time next year.
but don't give up hope. Cannon's cousin had secondary infertility (had one baby but doctors told her she would never be able to have another one). She adopted two boys from Russia ages 3 and 1 when her first little boy was 5 years old. THEN she found out she was expecting a baby girl. Now that baby is 2 and a half, and Cannon's cousin found out she is expecting another baby. and all of this after thinking that they would only ever have one poor child who wouldn't have any siblings.
Now for my response. =)
In all reality I don't think I'd ever concider a surrogate mother. It is an interesting idea, but like Maren, I think that it could pose some real issues with the possibility of the surrogate mom wanting to keep the baby. I think it could work in some instances, but it could be difficult. And don't worry mom, I'd never expect any such thing from you. hehe.
As for the sperm donor, I think mom brought up a really good point. If you use some random person, there is that chance that your child is related to many other people without knowing about it. That option didn't appeal much to me either.
If we were to ever use a donor, I really feel like it would be optimal to use someone from his family so there'd be some of his family genes in there. It seems like the best choice would actually be his little brother since he'd be the closest DNA match to Matt and have the greatest likelyhood of producing a child that looks like Matt. I think this could possibly work, but I don't know if that would be traumatizing for him (he's only 17 right now) or Matt. I mainly wanted to hear what you all thought to see if a child in that situation would feel stigmatized at all.
I hope that clomid would do the trick, but in all honesty, I don't know if it will help. We know that there are some abnormalities in our tests, but we just don't know the extent. If it's a mild case, clomid may help. If not, well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there I guess.
Thanks so much for your input though. It was good to hear people's opinions and ideas.
Personally I would not ask his brother!!!! That would just be too weird! If I had a baby from Brian or Patricks sperm that would just be weird. I know there are books that you can choose the person (in detail) who is the donor. My friend is in the process of in vitro and she is REALLY sick...she said wow I paid $20,000 for this (her husbands problem not hers..there were only 2 usable sperm and so that is how many they implanted). I know that with adoption it is not really "yours" although I have only given birth c-section and not the "real way" but that doesn't make me any less of a mother. I know it would be disappointing to think that they were not "yours" but still I think Maren has a point there are a lot of kids out there that need a good home! good luck.
First, I hope the tests give you options that will allow you both to have children.
As someone without kids, and no desire to be a parent, I’m not sure how qualified I am to give my opinion. But here goes.
Adoption is such a dice game these days. You never know if the mother is going to come back 4 or 5 years later and claim their parental rights. I think laws have gotten a bit stricter on this, but it still happens. And adopting a foreign national’s child just seems wrong to me. Its like you are going to a Duty Free shop and buying your baby. Plus, you never know what their health history is. Will they have some health problems that will bankrupt you in the future? Are they mentally healthy? Adoptions don’t come with a Lemon Law. You can’t return the child like a defective DVD player.
If the problem comes down to you not being able to carry a child, but your eggs are good, a surrogate mother might be an option. Then you could ask someone in your family to be the little oven for your bun. No need to have some perfect stranger carry your child. If the surrogate has to be not only the incubator but also 50% of the genetic material, I would make sure you have as iron clad a contract as possible.
As far as sperm donors, I would never consider any of my brothers as donors. It’s a territory thing. Even though it would be through IVF, I would still see that as my brother’s child and that he had it with my wife. It’s a male thing. It would be easier to ask someone outside our family that we had tremendous respect for and that we would trust. I know if anyone in my family came to me and asked, I would turn them down flat. But if I had a friend ask, we would consider it. Skyprincess would with her eggs also. For me, it’s would cause unneeded tension if the sperm was from another family member.
Here is my fear. And I know my family would do this. When they start describing the family tree to a stranger, when they got to my child (with my brother’s DNA) they would always preference the child as “oh, and that’s Mizike’s child. They thought they’d never have children, so his brother donated his sperm.” It’s like always making sure you say the child is adopted. As a guy, I don’t want to be reminded that I had to ask my brother to get my wife pregnant.
So to recap!
Adoption – thumbs down
Anonymous sperm donor – thumbs down
Family member sperm donor – thumbs down
Family member surrogate (no genetic donor) – thumbs up
Family member surrogate (genetic donor) – thumbs down
Stranger surrogate (no genetic donor) – thumbs up
Stranger surrogate (genetic donor) – thumbs sideways
Trustworthy friend sperm donor – thumbs up
Trustworthy friend egg donor – thumbs up
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We only sorta have a cell phone ourselves. Officially, we still like to think we're with you on this one.
Even normal healthy people can have children with costly health problems (i.e. my parents & Becca).
I remember my cousin Joe saying how they had a spiritual confirmation that Ian was supposed to be a part of their family when he was adopted.
Even if there is the chance the mother changes her mind(comes back for the child), you had that time with them and that opportunity to learn and grow. There are risks with everything, even with normal parents.
Overall, I think adoption is way to do amazing good and receive a lot of joy in your life! I'm excited to hear how things turn out for you!
So i was searching prospective adoptive profiles on LDS services to see what kind of "competition" we'd have if we end up going this route and it was kind of crazy to see someone from Snowflake on there! Andrew Boone and his wife are up there.
sad...doesn't Andrew have cancer? humm. Julie
Not that I know of, but I don't hear much about anyone from Snowflake that I don't keep direct contact with. Mom? You know?
Wait. I don't think he could have cancer to be a prospective adoptive parent with LDS services. I'm pretty positive you have to be "healthy" to qualify.
Mom said she tried to comment, but for some reason it's never shown up.
Andrew's wife had cancer and either she can't have kids or she shouldn't have kids, so they're adopting. It would have to be either gone or in remission for them to be able to adopt, so that's a good sign.
You might also want to ask your bishop for counsel. I know that the church doesn't dictate anything, but they advise against surrogacy and I think they prefer adoption to using donor sperm or eggs. With the trouble I've had getting the kids out of my body once they're in there, we've seroiusly considered adoption. I think it's a wonderful thing and a beautiful act of love for everyone involved.
It's very possible she cannot have children now due to chemotherapy. Many men will freeze their sperm before taking treatments, since it in many cases it makes them sterile. Women have similar problems.
http://patient.cancerconsultants.com/supportive_treatment.aspx?id=23165
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