Last night a "20 something" door-to-door sales guy stopped by to pitch us some sort of supplemental educational program for children. When I opened the door he kind of stammered, "Are you...?" "Is this...?" trying to decide if I was the matron or a child in our house hold.
I quickly said, "I'm the owner of the house, can I help you?"
To which he hesitatingly asked, "You...You're the mom of the house?"
"No, I'm the owner."
"Oh, you don't have kids? You guys newly weds?"
"We've been married 3 years."
He looks at me incredulously and asks, "3 years?! How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?"
"I'm 25."
"25?! And you've already been married 3 years?! Did you go to school?"
"Yeah, I graduated from college."
"You were 22 when you graduated?" (As if you can't go to school while your married...)
"No, I was 23."
"Where'd you go?"
"Brigham Young University."
*He stares at me with a blank look.*
I further explain, "It's in Utah."
A look of understanding came into his eyes at that moment. "Oh. Utah. You a Mormon?" (As if that explained and answered all his previous questions.)
"Yeah," I laughed.
"Yeah, you look like a Mormon."
I smile and say, "I hope that's a good thing!"
He shrugs, "It's not a bad thing or anything."
I'm totally laughing by this point. "Just a different thing?" I ask.
"Yeah, a different thing. Well, I better keep going and try to find people with kids." And he turned to go to our neighbors.
It was quite a humorous exchange for me. I'd been painting all day so my hair was back in two little pig tails. I do think I look pretty young when my hair is like that.
That made me start thinking, though, "what is a socially acceptable age to be married?" And in a similar vein, "when are you considered a grown-up?"
I think the two are quite connected. I have to admit that I cringed in high school when more than one of my classmates and friends got married the summer after we graduated at age 18. I was worried for them and hoped that sometime later in life they didn't leave their kids and husbands because they had a "I never had me-time" break down. I wanted them to get an education of some sort, and though that was still possible after getting married, it could easily be disrupted by unexpected (or expected) children. I felt very strongly that they needed some time to be on their own; to see who they were in different contexts and how they'd handle living with roommates from different backgrounds and with different household rules. I also felt they needed to learn how to manage money, budget and "be the boss" of their lives before they were given charge over a household, spouse or kids.
It's interesting to see those same friends 7 years later. Some of them now have 4 kids at age 25 and have very happy marriages and lives. Some of them are struggling a bit more, but managing to make it. And a few of them have gone through or are going through the breakdown and realization that they never had a "me-time" without worrying about taking care of a husband and kids.
Looking back I feel like I got married at the optimal time for me. I had time to work and figure out how to budget and be money-conscious. I had time to do things that would have been difficult after marriage (i.e. go to China). I had time to get my education and live with numerous roommates (some that I got along with great and some that drove me a little crazy) and figure out how to create a household with people other than your family-of-origin. I feel like I had a lot of "me" time. At age 22 I very much considered myself a responsible adult and did not feel like I was "sacrificing" my 20's and "time of freedom" to get married.
So why is it so very hard for people to believe that I got married at age 22? I know that there are quite a few people that cringe and feel the same thing for me at 22 that I felt for my friends at 18. Sure there are other things I could have done more easily when I was single, but nothing that was so incredibly important that I just couldn't miss. Or that I couldn't do when I was married. Is it because many people don't consider themselves to be responsible adults at age 22?
Maybe it's because I don't drink. I never felt the desire or compulsion to go drinking and clubbing. Maybe people feel they'd miss out on that.
Maybe it's because I didn't believe in having sex outside of marriage? (Not that I got married just for the sex. A lot of people really think that.) I mean, maybe some people are addicted to the thrill and surge of new sex partners and can't imagine having to limit or commit themselves to one person...I don't know.
Maybe some people are just afraid of commitment. Or maybe their parents had a really crappy marriage so they don't want to rush into anything. Hmmm...I guess there are a lot of reasons that could explain people's bewilderment and looks of incredulity.
What do you think?
8 comments:
I got married at 23, but I didn't personally start feeling like a "grown-up" until we moved across the country -- far, far away from both of our families. Now that we've lived far away for about a year and have been married for a few months longer than that, that "grown-up" feeling is starting to become more permanent. I don't know when I'll feel completely grown-up...maybe it'll be when my husband is done with grad school and no longer a student...maybe it'll be when we buy a house...maybe it'll be when we have kids. Maybe a part of me will always feel a little like a kid. Who knows? I can say, though, that we took a step in the "grown-up" direction yesterday with the purchase of a washer/dryer -- our first major appliance. :) (Maybe that's it! Maybe it's large purchases and things like credit history that make you "grown-up.")
I guess I haven't lived within 9 hours of family for about 6 years now, so maybe that's why I've felt quite independant and "grown up". I've pretty much supported myself (and my schooling) since I was 18, and I think that could contribute to it too. My husband didn't have to ever work (besides doing well in school) until we got married, and I think he didn't feel very "grown up" when we got married.
We just bought the house we're in two months ago and with it we also had to buy W/D, fridge, window treatments, lawn mower, etc. It's still a little surreal, but it feels nice and like it's a big step forward.
As for credit history, I don't have any at all. I really need to get a credit card! My husband has great credit, but I've never owned a credit card or taken out a loan!
I agree...there's something to be said for supporting yourself. It helps you grow up. I've had jobs since I was 14 and my husband since he was about the same age. We both put ourselves through college and were even able to graduate debt free. I haven't really relied on my family for financial help since I finished high school, and have been learning over the past year or two how to rely less on them for emotional help. For me, I think that's a key figure in becoming an adult...learning to rely on yourself and your spouse for the bulk of your emotional support. It fosters independence and adulthood is about being independent.
i definitely felt like i didn't have enough "me time" before I got married at age 20, but my husband was very aware of that and promised me that we would have lots of adventures for the rest of our lives. he loves to remind me that i had only been to mexico before we got married, but since then we have lived in a foreign country and travelled a lot (about 15 foreign countries). it has definitely been an adventure.
we always tried not to let our kids slow us down, but this year we decided not to go to China since our 2-year-old was potty training and our baby was just starting to sleep through the night.
as for growing up, i still feel young. people freak out all the time when they find out that i'm 30 and have 4 kids. i think that it is because most people have 2, and you can wait until you're 34 before you even start thinking about it. but if you want a big family you have to start early and pace yourself or be willing to have kids in late 30s or 40s, which doesn't sound fun to me.
i try to avoid the pig tail styles since i don't want to look like i started my family in my teens. but these days having your first baby in your early 20s is about the same as a teenage pregnancy to a lot of people.
China?? I didn't even know it was a possibility! Tell me if/when you decide to go in the future because there are a couple places you really can't miss while you're there.
You really have been lucky to have such an understanding and adventurous husband.
I always want to tell people that think I was young to get married at 22 that I was the oldest of the 4 girls in our family when I got married! Bry was 22 also I think, and only Eric was older than me of the 6 married kids when he got married at 23. Haha.
When I had Sarah so many people thought I was a teenage mom...so even kids don't help you! I am with you Amanda I have three and am only 28! although people here in PA are really family oriented so I feel a lot better about our family situation than I did in DC!
I do remember one time checking out from the grocery store and the bag boy called me mam. (in TX of course) I thought hum am I old enough to be a mam? ha...
Hey Celia, We were going to go to China to visit Cannon's brother Tyler and his wife who were living in Shanghai. They came home about a month ago, so now who knows if/when we will ever go there. At least in the near future. But his cousin just moved to India....
Good luck, your life seems interesting!
Peace and Love!
Dominic Ebacher
ebacherdom.blogspot.com
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