I realized that I never actually posted the talk that I gave in church a couple weeks ago. It seems quite fitting after my last post to use this as a reminder on how to overcome that excessive guilt or whatever ills that plague me (or you). I wrote it in sections so if this monster of a post is too much to read in one sitting, you can read it in snippets. Oh, and don't be surprised if one of the sections sounds familiar. I built this talk incorporates two previous svithes.
Definition of happiness Because of recent personal events, I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness and how we can find it. When searching on the Internet for a definition of happiness, I was kind of surprised that the definitions were so vague and incomplete. One of the best definitions I came across said, “Happiness is an inner state of well being. [It] enables you to profit from your highest thoughts, wisdom, intelligence, common sense, emotions, health and spiritual values in your life.” Another definition I liked was, “Happiness is a state of mind where one feels that life is good and is content with what they have been given. It is a feeling that life is as it should be.” In speaking of happiness James E. Faust said, “Happiness is not given to us in a package that we can just open up and consume. Nobody is ever happy 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Rather than thinking in terms of a day, we perhaps need to snatch happiness in little pieces, learning to recognize the elements of happiness and then treasuring them while they last.”
Plan of Happiness The Lord knew that Adam and Eve would transgress and fall, bringing about the mortality of man; because of this He prepared a way for us to return to His presence and eventually receive a fullness of joy. The Lord told Adam and Eve that because of their transgression this life would bring them much sorrow, thorns, thistles, hard work, and children. So why is it that this way, this plan, has been termed the Plan of Happiness? We know that nothing in this world exists without opposition. The Lord doesn’t want us to feel sad and lonely and depressed. He really does want us to be happy and receive a fullness of joy. Nephi tells us that we exist so that we might experience joy. However, we could not understand nor appreciate the happiness that results from righteous living without also knowing and experiencing sorrow of this life.
What keeps us from being happy? So what is it that keeps us from feeling that joy that Nephi speaks of? There are hundreds of specific things, “divers temptations” if you will, that will bring about our unhappiness, but I’ll list a few that that were floating around in my head.
1. The first and easiest “killjoy” to identify is unrighteous behavior. Alma, in talking with his son Corianton, plainly tells him that, “wickedness never was happiness.” Wickedness is a broad category that includes, but is definitely not limited to, pride, selfishness, addictions, sexual impurity, and any behavior that is deliberately harmful to yourself or others. All of these things are bound to bring unhappiness, not only to the perpetrator, but also all those with whom the perpetrator comes in contact.
2. Secondly, stress, trials and burdens can trigger sadness. That could include financial troubles, marital spats, tons of schoolwork, peer pressure, and just plain busyness. When we get caught up in our day-to-day routines it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and under appreciated.
3. Thirdly, idleness, too much down time, and over-indulgence can lead to feelings of unhappiness. Richard G. Scott said, “You are here on earth for a divine purpose. It is not to be endlessly entertained or to be constantly in full pursuit of pleasure. In fact, instant and unrestrained gratification of all our desires would be the shortest and most direct route to unhappiness.”
4. The last thing I will mention that can bring about unhappiness is perfectionism, unrealistic expectations, and taking upon us burdens that are not ours to bear. Now this one can get a bit tricky because we are commanded to, “be perfect, even as [our] Father in Heaven is perfect,” as well as “mourn with those that mourn,” but there is a difference between perfectionism and doing our best.
How to overcome the obstacles that bring unhappiness
Christ does His part
After identifying these obstacles I asked myself, “how do we overcome them so we can be happy?” There are a few ways I think we can lighten the load of life that sometimes seems a bit heavy. The simplest yet most complicated answer is Jesus Christ.
When I was in High School there was a phrase that completely infiltrated the LDS religious sphere. I'm sure most of you have heard it, and some may still have an old journal with it imprinted on it. It's a messianic phrase, obviously meant for you to think Christ was talking to you. I seriously heard people quote it as scripture, trying to find a reference for it in the topical guide. It is quite unfortunate because it is a completely false statement. What is this phrase? "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."
It seems harmless, and at face value it feels very true. Life is supposed to be hard, right? It's supposed to be full of trials and tests, right? Bad things often happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. It can be quite frustrating, and I think that phrase came about to help people through those low points in their lives. But it misses the mark, and the mark is Christ.
I was lucky enough to have a great seminary teacher who pointed out the fallacy of this statement by reading in Matthew 11:28-30.
“ Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give your rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
It's true that we will have times of hardship, frustration, and anger. It's true that sometimes we'll feel that we've been give more than we can handle. But right here we are told that we don't have to be burdened and feel weighed down. We don't have to do anything alone. We do have to be pro-active. We must yoke ourselves with Christ and allow him to heal us and lift us up; if we do that, He will provide us with relief and will help us carry our load.
Concerning this, Elder Holland said, “The central fact, the crucial foundation, the chief doctrine, and the greatest expression of divine love in the eternal plan of salvation…is the atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ. Much goes before it and much comes after, but without that pivotal act, that moment of triumph whereby we are made free from the spiritual bondage of sin and the physical chains of the grave, both of which are undeniable deaths, there would be no meaning to the plan of life, and certainly no ultimate happiness in it or after it.”
Do we do our part?
Having said this, we also have to figure out what is in our power to change so we can move closer to Him. If our happiness is being drowned by our wickedness, we must stop being wicked. Now that seems a bit trite and a little over simplistic and it is. But that’s essentially what needs to happen. Elder Scott counseled, “You do what is right. Don’t worry so much about what everyone else is doing. Certainly don’t justify departure from what you know is right because of others’ wrong choices.”
How do you cure pride? How do you cure selfishness? How do you overcome addictions? How do you take the first step back when you’ve been off the path you know to be right? First you really have to want to change. You have to identify that something is amiss in your life and realize that it is a source of unhappiness. Not only that, but you have to want happiness. That may sound a bit crazy, but I assure you that it can be hard for some to give up misery and wrong doing if it’s how they’ve come to identify themselves and relate to others. Also, we have to be aware that temptation to fall back into old patterns may never fully depart from us. With that awareness, we must move forward with faith that the Lord will make a way for us to fight those temptations and stay on the path.
There's no shame in getting outside help
Some addictions such as drugs, alcohol, pornography, and sexual promiscuity may require outside help. Before moving here I worked at a residential treatment center for teenage girls for two and a half years. We had girls from all over the country come to counsel with professional therapists to try and overcome various addictions as well as depression. Some of the girls were receptive to the help, and those who were open to change have been able to find true happiness in their lives. Outside help, however, doesn’t have to mean therapy or rehab centers. Outside help can also include our parents, friends, teachers, and counseling with the Bishop and church leaders, etc. There are many people who need help and there are many people who are willing to give help. The Lord tells us that we must “succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees.” We each will have moments in our lives where we are the feeble, but we’ll also have moments of strength wherein we can help others get where they want to go. It is the constant cycle of giving and taking love and service that helps us progress and move forward together.
Live within your means
If our unhappiness is brought about by stress and burdens, one thing we can first try is to simplify. Nephi told us that he “[gloried] in plainness” and that the principles of happiness he modeled are plain and simple. Whether our lives are cluttered with responsibilities or material goods, it never hurts to step back and honestly see if we are doing too much. Are we’re overextending ourselves financially? Physically? Mentally? Should we limit ourselves to school and one extra-curricular activity? Do we really need that boat, that out fit, or that cell phone? Only you can answer those questions because the answer will be different for every person and every family. We really need to make sure that we are living within our means, financially, physically and emotionally.
I was a yoga TA at BYU for about a year. As a teacher’s assistant I would walk around the class, help people do the moves correctly, and try to keep people from doing things that would hurt them. One night after practice I came home and wrote this in my journal. “Tonight I noticed two beginners who, throughout the class, immediately went to the hardest poses rather than doing the beginning or intermediate modifications. It never quite worked out for them. They made an attempt at the pose, tried to hold it, couldn't, fell out of it and got frustrated. I wanted to go back to them and say, "Do your own practice. Don't try and do someone else's practice. Work with what you have and where you are, not where you want to be or where your neighbor is."
That started me thinking about living beyond our means in all aspects of life. So often we try to do more and be more than we can give at that moment of our life. That's when we stress out, cry, have breakdowns, hurt ourselves.
Western thinking is very competitive. Most of us feel like we must be the best, wear the best, have the best, and achieve the most RIGHT NOW. Often we don't allow ourselves a starting point and time for growth, but we expect immediate perfection.
But the truth of the matter is that I am where I am regardless of how much I don’t want to be there. We have to take life one-step at a time because the most efficient and long lasting progression comes gradually, “line upon line and precept upon precept”. We must master one thing and move on to the next step, not the last step. As we read in Doctrine and Covenants 93:12-14 we come to find out that even Christ followed this pattern. “And I, John, saw that he received not of the fullness at the first, but received grace for grace; And he received not of the fullness at first, but continued from grace to grace, until he received a fullness; And thus he was called the Son of God, because he received not of the fullness at the first.” We must be diligent and live our own lives as we remember, “it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength”
In all reality to be the best, wear the best, and have the best means that we must compare ourselves to others. Comparison then prompts that little pride button inside us...
Pride's part in all this
C.S. Lewis said, “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, cleverer, or better looking than others. If every one else became equally rich, or clever, or good-looking there would be nothing to be proud about. It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.”
That darned pride. It leads people to do crazy things. “It was through pride that Christ was crucified.” The Nephites killed each other off because of it. Early apostles and leaders of the church apostatized because of it. It does us no good. It limits and stops our progression. To truly find peace and contentment in our lives we must learn to humble ourselves before God. President Benson told us that we choose to be humble when we esteem others as ourselves, when we receive counsel and chastisement, and when we forgive those who have offended us. We also choose to be humble when we render selfless service, share the gospel, and go to the temple more frequently. Ultimately we choose to be humble by loving God, submitting our will to His, and putting Him first in our lives. If we do this, we will find a simple happiness that infuses our soul with contentment.
Perfectionsim isn't what it's cracked up to be
In most of the literature I read to prepare to give this talk, leaders of the church spoke of happiness coming when we live the gospel. But as I read that, I wondered about the people who are diligently trying to live the gospel, follow the prophet, and choose the right who still feel unhappy, depressed or weighed down by life. President Faust asks the question, “If we aren’t happy, of what use is the gospel, the Church and its organizations, programs, and the way of life it espouses?” Many righteous Latter-day Saints often get lost in the commandment, “be ye therefore perfect” and feel like they’re constantly working to reach an impossible goal. They feel like they have to be some Super Mom or Dad and live this Mormon mold that they feel is expected of them. Also, some of us set our goals so high that it would impossible for us to ever accomplish those goals. Cecil O. Samuelson, the current President of BYU, said, “Be sure that you do not have higher standards for yourself or others than the Lord has established. Find satisfaction in your progress while acknowledging that perfection may still be distant.”
In that same article he goes on to say, “Our perceptions of ourselves may or may not be accurate, but more frequently than we may expect, they may differ from how others view us. Those suffering from perfectionism tend to be wonderful, contributing, and effective people, and yet may feel that no matter what they do, it is never enough. These good people suffer from exaggerating their minor mistakes, weaknesses, or shortcomings to the point that they may become dysfunctional.”
In his book, Bonds that Make us Free, Terry Warner speaks of perfectionism as a counterfeit of being conscientious. One who is conscientious faithfully acts on what they know to be right. Perfectionists, on the other hand, “seem more obsessed with convincing themselves of their worth. [They] are not at peace. A perfectionist’s conscience cannot be satisfied.”
When speaking to women in her book, Lighten Up, Chieko Okazaki said, “During my time as a member of the Relief Society general presidency, I have received a startling education about the amount of inappropriate guilt that literally hundreds of wonderful Latter-day Saint women feel about the subject of motherhood. I have been astonished to learn that many never-married women feel guilty and unworthy because they are not mothers. Many married women who have fertility problems feel guilt that they cannot bear children. Mothers feel guilty that they have too many children, or too few. Many others worry because they are not perfect mothers or because they don’t have perfect children. When their children make mistakes or life choices that seem wrong, these mothers are racked by suffering—not only for the painful consequences their beloved children must experience, but by the even more painful suffering of personal guilt that springs from their feeling they have somehow failed.”
This is one of the things I struggle with most. I lend myself to perfectionism and I often feel like what I’m doing is not enough. If you are sitting there identifying with this category of unhappiness it would be good to remember this piece of advice that Elder Russell M. Nelson gives. “We all need to remember: men are that they might have joy-not guilt trips!”
Just carry your own load--that's enough
Also, sometimes our loads are artificially weighed down (though it feels very real). It's easy to stress about situations and burdens that aren't even our own. We take on other people's problems as though they were ours to begin with. I know I do it sometimes.
As Sister Okazaki speaks of this in her book she said, “We have two sons. One son is married and has two children...Our other son is unmarried. I was astounded to hear a mother fret about a son over twenty-five who had not married, wondering what she had done wrong in raising him. My son's marital status is his business, not mine. He is a responsible individual who is contributing to society. He is a clear thinker and a loving human being. One of the things I like most about him is that he instantly identifies and summarily rejects attempts to make him feel guilty about not being married. How foolish I would be to pick up the guilt my son has properly rejected and bind it on my own shoulders, to create a burden where none exists!”
What a wise person. In this book she also talks about allowing ourselves imperfections and limitations. The Lord expects it. We need to Lighten up. That doesn’t mean be irresponsible, it means we need to set realistic expectations. And the only realistic expectation we can set for ourselves is that we do our best. Whatever that may be. My best is not your best, and thank heavens for that!
This chart is from Cecil O. Samuelson, “What Does it Mean to be Perfect?” New Era, Jan. 2006, 10
| Doing Your Best | Perfectionism |
| You desire to give things your best efforts and are satisfied when you do. | You have a list of “shoulds” and “have to’s” and are dissatisfied even if you complete them. |
| You know it’s okay if you make a mistake. You move on and see your mistake as an opportunity for growth or learning. | Mistakes bring feelings of self-hatred. You don’t want to do anything because you are afraid of failure. |
| You want to do your personal best, and you try not to compare your achievements to those of others. You don’t need to be the best at all things. | You feel tremendous pressure to earn others’ approval. You must be the best or “perfect” in your tasks. |
| You can find joy in doing the things you love, and you can get things accomplished. | Your need to do things perfectly leads to procrastination until you have time to do it “perfectly,” and you feel driven by fear or duty instead of love. |
| Trying to do your best and perfecting yourself “line upon line” with the Savior’s help is Christ-centered because you need the Atonement. | Perfectionism is self-centered. You measure yourself against your own standards and against others’ standards, not God’s. |
Another month has gone by! Sorry this blog has turned into a baby diary! But this is what is on my mind (and in my body. hehe). Here we are at 28 weeks. Welcome to the 3rd trimester. I have felt quite good. I can tell the baby is getting much bigger and moves a TON. You can now easily see when he is moving (like I have an alien life form in me), and the other day Dean goes "I just saw your belly move! I think the baby is walking around!!" I told him he probably didn't have much room to walk, and he said, "Well, maybe he's just doing somersaults then."
