I've really been struggling to keep crazy Celia contained the last couple of months. My emotions have been all over the place. Some days and some moments I feel totally normal, fine, sane. Other moments and days I'm sitting on the couch in tears, feeling too tired and overwhelmed to deal with Walt screaming and Dean doing some normal 2 year old thing. I have felt profoundly lonely the last couple of months. I have been very aware of my physical distance from family and old friends, and I don't have the deep connections and friendships yet here that I really have been needing and longing for. It's so much harder to make those deep connections when you don't live with the people. Don't get me wrong. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have lots and lots of happy moments and days. But I've just had waaaayyyy more lonely/crazy days and moments than I care for.
Other things that factor in to my craziness: I have been pretty sleep deprived the last 4 months. And not just "nursing newborn" sleep deprived. It's that, plus we go to bed way too late, plus stupid insomnia once we get to bed. I often don't fall asleep until 2 am and then am up again around 7am when the boys wake up. I am pretty much running on fumes most days.
This morning crazy Celia was in full swing. Matt woke up to me sitting on the couch crying with Dean sitting on my lap (I was trying to get pants and shoes on him to go outside, but he was evading me) and Walt was lying on a blanket scream talking since he was tired of being ignored (and he skipped his nap, adding to my and his frustration). After a little crying and talking with Matt, he suggested I go take a run while he stay with the boys.
So I went. While I was gone, there were a number of things that came to my head about what I need to do to get my life back. First I tried to identify my problem: was it just lack of sleep? postpartum depression? pms? Then I decided it didn't really matter at this point. Before I get any sort of chemical or professional help, I realized there are common sense things that I have to do to take care of myself that might take care of my problems. I mentally made a list of things I need to change and can reasonably change. When I got home I wrote down a list of 10.
Common sense things I need to do to get out of this funk:
1. Exercise 5 days a week. At least 1/2 hour, preferably by myself, but with the boys if need be.
- This means I'll need to get up around 6 am before the boys, work out after they go to bed, have Matt stay with them (on weekend/holidays), and/or get a double jogging stroller.
- Lunch has been a real struggle for me because I've been getting Dean's lunch, feeding Walt, putting Dean down for a nap, and then Walt needs a nap. By that time I'm pretty exhausted and I end up choosing nap over food. I'll generally get a snack or have a shake once I wake up since it's around 2 by then.
- I used to be really good about this. I just get side tracked with the boys and forget.
- This corresponds with #2. I need to make a big salad with lunch every day and eat fruits instead of other sugars in the evening.
- Right now I read scriptures right before bed. I don't mind reading at night, but I need to start earlier since I end up only reading anywhere from 1 chapter to 15 min. max.
- Having a goal and direction will help me as much as I like freedom and flexibility. I know I don't use my time as well as I should.
8. Cut out most refined sugars. Absolutely no candy (yes, even over Christmas). If there is a homemade holiday dessert, that's ok, but limit myself to small portions.
9. Take a break from FB for a little while.
- I could explain this, but I'd rather not.
- We have probably gone on less than 5 dates this whole year, including trips to the temple. That has really added to my loneliness. Walt's getting to the point where we'd be able to leave after about 7:30 or 8 and not worry about him waking up till after 11 or 12 or so. (He just woke up and is crying as I type this, though. =P)