Svithe: First comes love, then come marriage

With Valentine's Day this past week I have constantly been thinking about love, what it really means, and how love is applied in marriage.

I personally do not feel I need a material present or card for Valentine's Day. I don't ever buy a card for Matt and we don't always exchange gifts. I prefer giving the gift of good food (I have made it a tradition to make cheesecake for dessert) and receiving a thoughtful word or deed. It is nice to receive flowers, but mainly because I know he is trying to show me he cares. It is the gesture, not the flowers, that I most appreciate.

During his Feb. 14th monologue, Leno pointed out that Valentine's Day used to be more of an exchange of love and gifts between men and women, but recent advertising and promotions are geared toward women, women, women. Women need chocolate or flowers or diamonds. Women deserve a day of pampering for putting up with men. And men, you dare not forget it, or you will BE IN THE DOG HOUSE!

For some reason, none of that sits well with me. Maybe because I think it has turned from a day to honor your love into a day to honor yourself with selfish desires and demands. I think it is silly to demand gifts and even sillier to feel like a victim if you didn't receive what you wanted. Honestly, I think the acts of kindness and love on a random day mean more to me than those that come on a dictated holiday.

For instance, about two weeks ago I experienced one of my happiest weekends in my marriage. We both got off early on Friday because we had worked extra hours at the beginning of the week. We went to a dollar movie--we found that they actually do have a dollar theater here--where we watched Jet Li's Fearless (a surprisingly wonderful movie). After that we went to dinner at Jalapeno Tree, which turned out to be very second rate Mexican food. The next day we played racquetball together (where I lost horribly every time), and that night we rented The Illusionist. Not one of those things were AMAZING or expensive, but the spirit in which we did them was very gratifying. I very much felt his love for me and knew he wanted to be with me. That was better than any Valentine's Day chocolate, flowers, or diamonds, in my opinion.

I guess that brings me to the question "what is love?". Now, this is probably one of the most over answered questions in music, movies, poetry, and literature, but that will not stop me from giving you my schpeel on the subject today.

First off, if charity is the pure love of Christ, I'd imagine that is one of the types of love you would want to have for your spouse. To paraphrase 1 Corinthians 13:1-8: It means nothing if you speak in tongues, prophecy or understand all of the mysteries of the universe unless...; it doesn't matter if you can move mountains with your faith unless...; it is of no significance if you give everything you have to the poor or let your body be burned, unless you have charity.

Charity
1. suffers long (not in agony or as a victim, but is patient)
2. is kind
3. doesn't envy (or covet other's successes, good fortune or happiness)
4. vaunts not itself, is not puffed up (doesn't brag about own successes, good fortune or happiness; is not arrogant or "high maintenance")
5. doesn't behave unseemingly (inappropriately)
6. seeks not her own (isn't selfish but is concerned for others' well being)
7. is not easily provoked (doesn't get offended easily. not hypersensitive)
8. thinks no evil
9. rejoices in truth rather than sin
10. bear all things (including other people's burdens maybe?)
11. believe all things (Mosiah 4:9 "Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all things which the Lord can comprehend.")
12. hope all things
13. endure all things (with patience)

If we at least TRY to have charity for our spouse, I think our marriages would be all the better for it. They are not perfect. We are not perfect. The Lord is perfect and will help us along if we allow him. We just have to remember that our feelings, wants and needs are not inherently better or more important than our spouse's. They are people with feelings, wants and needs as well.

Lastly, I will end with probably my favorite quote. Gordon B. Hinckley, “A Conversation with Single Adults,” Ensign, Mar 1997, 58 (Quoting Jenkins Lloyd Jones in Big Rock Candy Mountains,” Deseret News, 12 June 1973, A4)

“There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young [men and women] who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and [beautiful] wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear the divorce courts are jammed. …

“Anyone who imagines that bliss [in marriage] is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. The fact is] most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. … Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”