At one point today I was throwing a silent pity party for myself because it seemed no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep up with the mess! I was thinking, "I just don't know how [some people] keep their houses clean ALL the time. Like 'company is coming' clean. How is that even possible???"
And then as I was cleaning up dinner, I had a revelation. Everyone doesn't do everything all the time. Even if someone's house is clean ALL the time, something else has to give in their lives. Not everyone jogs 4 miles a day, bakes bread, makes cookies, cleans every corner of their house, plays with their kids, paints their living room, makes breakfast, lunch and dinner, does the dishes, crafts with kids, goes to work, etc. every day.
We prioritize. And it's ok if our priorities are different. Some people NEED a clean house. Some people NEED to exercise. Some people NEED to do a little bit of everything so they don't ever seem to have anything quite perfect (that's the category I fit into). I just have to remember to stop comparing myself to others, be grateful for what I have (and what I have accomplished during the day), even if it seems small or less than what I had hoped for. That's why we have tomorrow. Do all that you can today, and what you can't do today, do tomorrow.
Showing posts with label Philosophy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Philosophy. Show all posts
Friday, October 01, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Letting go and finding unity
A month or two ago, I found myself playing the classic role of the critical, nagging wife. Well, let me correct that statement. I didn't find myself there. It was pointed out to me, and it was a correct evaluation.
It hit me pretty hard because I've always tried really hard not to be that wife. Yet there I was.
When Matt and I were dating, it was pretty apparent that we had differences of opinion on child discipline and child rearing. I figured we'd both kind of mellow out over the course of our marriage and come to a general consensus on how it should be handled.
While I think we have both changed and matured in our understanding of parenthood, new issues and challenges have arisen. Child rearing is so much easier in theory, and I have kind of floundered in actual practice. I'll read a book and try that theory. Read another book and see if that's better. I bounce back and forth on how to actually achieve what it is I'm wanting. I know I am not as consistent as I should be, mainly because I'm not positive that what I'm doing is "the right" way to handle things.
Matt, on the other hand, is very consistent. I have to give him credit for that. He definitely borders on authoritarian/drill sergeant parenting, but he is very good about holding boundaries and sticking to his discipline and parenting method.
In all my MFHD classes we were taught that authoritative/consulting parenting is the best, so when I felt Matt was coming down too hard or expecting too much of a 2 year old, I began pointing it out. Continually. In front of the kids.
Now, that is not good.
When I realized what I was doing, I decided I needed to change something. But how, and what? I started reading through talks and articles on lds.org and came across 2 articles that really spoke to me. I highly recommend you read both.
The first is Overcoming Differences of Opinion by Elder Robert E. Wells. Here are a few selections from it.
The second was The Call of the Mild by Martha Wilder.
After reading these articles, instead of writing Matt a note or having a conversation detailing where our child rearing philosophies veered (and why I felt he was wrong and I was right), I felt really strongly that I needed to just let him know that I knew I was wrong for criticizing him in front of the kids, and that I would try harder to stop rescuing Dean and start communicating my concerns more appropriately with Matt. I also felt like he needed to know that I really did love and appreciate him as a husband and father. I'm not sure if my note meant more to me or him. After doing that, I noticed how stressed out he was at work. I felt more love toward him. Instead of making home a place of criticism and stress, I tried harder to make it a safe place filled with love and appreciation. Do I do this every day? Unfortunately I have relapses like everybody else. But I'm learning little by little. Do we see eye to eye on child discipline? No, but I'm more willing to step back and stop talking and intervening so much.
It hit me pretty hard because I've always tried really hard not to be that wife. Yet there I was.
When Matt and I were dating, it was pretty apparent that we had differences of opinion on child discipline and child rearing. I figured we'd both kind of mellow out over the course of our marriage and come to a general consensus on how it should be handled.
While I think we have both changed and matured in our understanding of parenthood, new issues and challenges have arisen. Child rearing is so much easier in theory, and I have kind of floundered in actual practice. I'll read a book and try that theory. Read another book and see if that's better. I bounce back and forth on how to actually achieve what it is I'm wanting. I know I am not as consistent as I should be, mainly because I'm not positive that what I'm doing is "the right" way to handle things.
Matt, on the other hand, is very consistent. I have to give him credit for that. He definitely borders on authoritarian/drill sergeant parenting, but he is very good about holding boundaries and sticking to his discipline and parenting method.
In all my MFHD classes we were taught that authoritative/consulting parenting is the best, so when I felt Matt was coming down too hard or expecting too much of a 2 year old, I began pointing it out. Continually. In front of the kids.
Now, that is not good.
When I realized what I was doing, I decided I needed to change something. But how, and what? I started reading through talks and articles on lds.org and came across 2 articles that really spoke to me. I highly recommend you read both.
The first is Overcoming Differences of Opinion by Elder Robert E. Wells. Here are a few selections from it.
Repeated criticisms of this negative and acid nature can wear away the bonds of love until the marital fabric is weakened and ruined—with sad results for both parties.Too often, criticism attacks tender, unprotected feelings. When we criticize, we are implying blame, censure, condemnation, reprobation, and denunciation—and we’re setting ourselves up as judges, as if we were qualified to point out someone else’s faults and weaknesses.
------------
One of you might begin by asking, “What can I do to be a better husband (or wife)?” Then the other responds kindly with ideas and suggestions.
As you share your feelings and give your partner suggestions, be humble and nonthreatening. Don’t assume that you’re always the offended one and that your spouse is the guilty one. Remember, too, that in many situations, it’s not a matter of who is right and who is wrong—it’s simply a matter of understanding each other.
I’d suggest that you avoid a written list of faults. This is a time when relying on memory is more considerate than reading a host of complaints. Another rule you might establish is for each of you to limit the number of suggestions you bring at one time—no more than two or three at most. That way, the experience isn’t as likely to be so overwhelming.
As you’re the one receiving the suggestions, don’t become defensive.
The second was The Call of the Mild by Martha Wilder.
Although my husband was an excellent father, I often felt irritated and angry. I wanted him to fit the image of what I thought he should be. I had certain ideals and goals I wanted implanted in him.There was a follow up to The Call of the Mild in that Ensign entitled, "How can I improve my relationship with my spouse?" by Martha's father. Here are the 7 suggestions:
[advice from her dad] 'Be gentle in your persuasion while recognizing his strengths and achievements. Be an example without criticizing. In your rush to achieve your goals, you may be sending a silent message that he’s not measuring up. He’s a good man, Martha, and he needs to know that you think so, too...One of the most insidious cracks in any marriage is when partners wonder if they made the right choice. The marriage begins to fall apart because they quit working at it'
- Avoid negative thoughts. Avoid comparing your spouse with someone else. Instead, think of what you like or appreciate about him or her. Make a list and add to it frequently.
- Avoid snipping. Don’t make derogatory remarks about your spouse in front of others, and don’t allow others to criticize your spouse within your hearing. Instead, say something positive about your mate in front of others, especially when your partner is present. It will reaffirm commitment and bolster self-esteem.
- Do something positive for your spouse each day: a cup of hot chocolate, a surprise note, helping with a chore that your partner usually handles alone. Be creative—and don’t keep score.
- Don’t set limits on the work you’re willing to invest in your marriage. Love is not a 50/50 proposition. You should avoid measuring the “amount” you’re contributing to your marriage.
- Avoid making demands or ultimatums. Nothing brings out stubbornness and resentment faster than an ultimatum.
- Practice meekness. Many people equate meekness with weakness. But meekness in reality is a strength. It results in a person becoming compatible with others and being teachable.
- Study the references to the words charity and love in the dictionary of the LDS edition of the King James Bible. Let the scriptures expand your understanding of eternal love.
After reading these articles, instead of writing Matt a note or having a conversation detailing where our child rearing philosophies veered (and why I felt he was wrong and I was right), I felt really strongly that I needed to just let him know that I knew I was wrong for criticizing him in front of the kids, and that I would try harder to stop rescuing Dean and start communicating my concerns more appropriately with Matt. I also felt like he needed to know that I really did love and appreciate him as a husband and father. I'm not sure if my note meant more to me or him. After doing that, I noticed how stressed out he was at work. I felt more love toward him. Instead of making home a place of criticism and stress, I tried harder to make it a safe place filled with love and appreciation. Do I do this every day? Unfortunately I have relapses like everybody else. But I'm learning little by little. Do we see eye to eye on child discipline? No, but I'm more willing to step back and stop talking and intervening so much.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
I am
I am enough.
I am strong.
I am a good mother.
Whatever life puts before me will make me stronger, wiser, and more patient.
I am happy.
I am what I eat and drink, so I eat and drink good things.
I am what I watch and play and listen, so I watch and play and listen to good and positive things.
I am healthy.
I smile and laugh whenever I can because life is good.
I forgive other people. Deep down everyone is a good person, just like me.
I forgive myself for my shortcomings and work to become better each day.
I am a compassionate and loving, caring person.
I have inner peace.
I am resourceful, creative, and intelligent.
I am lovable.
I am happy.
I am strong.
I am a good mother.
Whatever life puts before me will make me stronger, wiser, and more patient.
I am happy.
I am what I eat and drink, so I eat and drink good things.
I am what I watch and play and listen, so I watch and play and listen to good and positive things.
I am healthy.
I smile and laugh whenever I can because life is good.
I forgive other people. Deep down everyone is a good person, just like me.
I forgive myself for my shortcomings and work to become better each day.
I am a compassionate and loving, caring person.
I have inner peace.
I am resourceful, creative, and intelligent.
I am lovable.
I am happy.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Great Expectations
I made one of my students cry today.
Well, kind of. He's a particularly emotional kid to begin. High highs and low lows. He gets overwhelmed easily, especially if he's tired, hungry or worn out. And he was all of those things today. They came straight from school where they'd been taking the TAKS test for two days straight. Starting in 3rd grade, kids are required to pass the TAKS to move onto the next grade. It's heavily stressed here, and I've actually had students cancel lessons (3rd and 4th graders!) so they could study. Weird.
Anyway, we were working on his recital piece. I admit it is a challenging piece for his skill level. He was tired and stressed out. I was a little stressed because Dean was screaming his head off in the computer room with Matt, so I probably had a little edge to my voice. I kept telling him to stay focused, look at my hands, pay attention, just take it one measure at a time. I could tell he was in his Eeyore mode, and about half way through I said, "Forget it. We can't work on this anymore. You're too worn out. Lets just play some music games." I don't know if the tears came from his frustration or relief, but a few slipped out. He enjoyed playing on my large staff mat, and kind of cheered up a bit.
I was always up for a challenge, but I'm finding those students to be rare. It's hard to find the line between high yet realistic expectations and overambitious/outrageous expectations. Any ideas on how to successfully do that?
Well, kind of. He's a particularly emotional kid to begin. High highs and low lows. He gets overwhelmed easily, especially if he's tired, hungry or worn out. And he was all of those things today. They came straight from school where they'd been taking the TAKS test for two days straight. Starting in 3rd grade, kids are required to pass the TAKS to move onto the next grade. It's heavily stressed here, and I've actually had students cancel lessons (3rd and 4th graders!) so they could study. Weird.
Anyway, we were working on his recital piece. I admit it is a challenging piece for his skill level. He was tired and stressed out. I was a little stressed because Dean was screaming his head off in the computer room with Matt, so I probably had a little edge to my voice. I kept telling him to stay focused, look at my hands, pay attention, just take it one measure at a time. I could tell he was in his Eeyore mode, and about half way through I said, "Forget it. We can't work on this anymore. You're too worn out. Lets just play some music games." I don't know if the tears came from his frustration or relief, but a few slipped out. He enjoyed playing on my large staff mat, and kind of cheered up a bit.
I was always up for a challenge, but I'm finding those students to be rare. It's hard to find the line between high yet realistic expectations and overambitious/outrageous expectations. Any ideas on how to successfully do that?
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Studies show...
There are a few controversial studies that have been in the news recently and I'm curious to hear how you all weigh in on them. First off, let me just say that I've always been skeptical of "studies show" type things because you have to really look at the study closely to see if what they did was enough to get a clear answer. In school I felt almost any data could be construed to "prove" any projected hypothesis.
Immunizations and autism
I hadn't heard of this one until a friend emailed me about it recently. From what I could gather from a quick internet search is that this one is more anecdotal than medically proven. That doesn't mean that it's not true. It also doesn't mean it is true. So, apparently there are certain vaccines that are thought to cause autism. (I think the measles-mumps-rubella is one, and there might be others.) In a quick internet search, I've found articles claiming studies prove the link between the two and other articles claiming studies have proven no link. What do you think? Will you vaccinate your kids? I personally have a hard time believing this connection, but I've been wrong before.
Little Einstein DVDs (and other TV) may contribute to ADHD and other developmental problems
Matt's pretty opposed to any sort of TV until the age of 2. That includes the Little Einstein DVDs, Disney shows, etc. The content is not necessarily the concern, but the idea that too much visual stimulation too early may produce problems later on. I think a little TV here and there isn't that big of a deal. I do think that lots of TV viewing could be a contributing factor to the increasing number of crazy school kids. My sister was shocked this year when she returned to teaching 2nd grade as to how many CRAZY kids there were. Bouncing off the walls, violent, etc. It would be an interesting subject for a doctoral thesis if I were to ever do one. So, TV or no TV in your opinion? Just curious.
Immunizations and autism
I hadn't heard of this one until a friend emailed me about it recently. From what I could gather from a quick internet search is that this one is more anecdotal than medically proven. That doesn't mean that it's not true. It also doesn't mean it is true. So, apparently there are certain vaccines that are thought to cause autism. (I think the measles-mumps-rubella is one, and there might be others.) In a quick internet search, I've found articles claiming studies prove the link between the two and other articles claiming studies have proven no link. What do you think? Will you vaccinate your kids? I personally have a hard time believing this connection, but I've been wrong before.
Little Einstein DVDs (and other TV) may contribute to ADHD and other developmental problems
Matt's pretty opposed to any sort of TV until the age of 2. That includes the Little Einstein DVDs, Disney shows, etc. The content is not necessarily the concern, but the idea that too much visual stimulation too early may produce problems later on. I think a little TV here and there isn't that big of a deal. I do think that lots of TV viewing could be a contributing factor to the increasing number of crazy school kids. My sister was shocked this year when she returned to teaching 2nd grade as to how many CRAZY kids there were. Bouncing off the walls, violent, etc. It would be an interesting subject for a doctoral thesis if I were to ever do one. So, TV or no TV in your opinion? Just curious.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Sleep results
Thanks so much for all the sleep tips! I got great responses both by email and comment. I'm pretty sure I got all three types of mothers to respond (no cry, partial cry and comfort, and cry it out), so that was great. Believe me, I don't think anyone is "crazy" for doing what they do, because I know that you're doing what works and is best for you. I love hearing that different things work for different people! That means I have to find what works for me and go forward with confidence that my little boy will one day learn to sleep. That means, he will be ok if I nurse/don't nurse him, rock/don't rock him, let him cry/comfort endlessly etc. I've decided that the important thing is consistency so he can figure out what the heck I'm doing and adapt. Since I haven't been super consistent up to this point, I've decided I need to come up with a game plan and stick with it!
I can tell that as he's getting older, his ability to calm himself is better. This past week for naps I've been wrapping (leaving one or both hands out on the off chance he's going to need to suck on them), nursing (if he needs/wants to), rocking, and singing. Then I put him down in his crib (usually with his eyes open). The first day I did that he fussed for about 20 min., was quite for about 10 and ended up falling asleep. Now he fusses for about 5-15 min. and will fall asleep in about 20. His actual crying during naps is pretty minimal, I've had to go in and do a little more rocking once or twice. If he's just fussing, I'm trying to leave him so he can learn to fall asleep on his own. If he's all out crying more than 10-15 min. I can't stand it and I go back and do what I can to help him calm down. This is a huge improvement over what it used to be like. He usually naps about an hour at a time and gets sleepy within 1 - 1 1/2 hours of waking.
His night time routine needs a little tweaking I think. He's had a bit of trouble going down and I think we might be starting too late. I've started the night soothing around 8 PM (give or take about 20 min.). I do pretty much the same routine as for naps, and maybe that's part of the problem? We've only been giving him baths every 3 days since it's been so cold here and we're all having problems with dry skin (even after using lotion). However, he likes baths for the most part, so maybe I should incorporate it into the nightly routine when it warms up a bit.
Another potential problem is his evening nap after my piano lessons. He's usually pretty tired by the time I'm done with piano (around 5 or 5:30) so I've been putting him down for a nap. He will wake up around 6 or 6:30, but he still shows tired signs by 8. However, after reading Dr. Weissbluth's book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, I think we should try and forgo the 5 pm nap and try to put him down for the night by 6:30pm-7pm. Who knows? Maybe it will be the ticket to happy SleepyLand.
As for the sleeping through the night, I've decided to wait until he's 4 or 5 months before I start doing anything. I can already see improvement in his sleeping, so I won't push him too fast. He's still a little guy. At that point I think I will start completely ignoring certain wakings. If it's only been 2 hours, he shouldn't be too hungry. If it's been 4 or more, I'll go in and feed him. And then by 9 months I will do total extinction of all night feedings and endure the crying then if I need.
Lowdown on me and the methods:
Family Bed
While I know the "family bed" work for some, I just can't see it working for me. First of all, I tried nursing once or twice in bed and it just seemed EXTREMELY awkward. Couldn't get the hang of it and made a big wet mess when we both fell asleep while he was nursing. Plus we only have a queen size bed and that's a little too snug for 3. Moreover, he's a light sleeper and I think it would be our demise. And I won't mention the negative impact it would have on our intimate life! Ok, ok. So I did just mention it.
No cry method
This is where I naturally gravitate. I can't STAND to hear him crying so desperately. I start getting agitated and sometimes even angry. Angry that he's still up crying when I KNOW he's super tired. Angry that Matt's tendency is to let him cry it out for at least 30 min. Angry that I've heard it too much that day. I've tried tuning it out with music or earplugs, but that only works about 15 min. and his crying can last much longer. Constantly comforting is a little draining, but I think I'll keep going this route a little longer. At least mostly. If I've given everything I absolutely can give for a night, I'll set him down and let him cry until he falls asleep or for 30 min. until Matt feels compelled to go check on him, whichever comes first.
Cry and Comfort
This is super hard for me because to be effective, I think the key is not to pick him up during the "comfort" phase. After the 5, 10, 15, 20 or 30 min. interval you've set, go in and talk to him or pat him until he's calm and then leave again. The few times I tried this his cries became more intense and I couldn't handle it. I would go back in and pick him up and start all over again. Plus, Dr. Weissbluth said that for super fussy/colicky babies this is a slow route.
Cry and Ignore
While this may seem a little harsh, I think it will have to be the way we go when we DO decide to help him kick his night waking habit. Make sure he doesn't have a dirty diaper, stay near so he doesn't choke to death on his cries, and stick it out. I may have to recruit Matt for this given my tendency to rush in and save, but he's Dean's parent too and can sacrifice a few nights for the greater good. My sister mentioned that in Weissbluth's studies of 2000+ kids, no babies older than 9 months NEEDED food in the middle of the night. So, that is probably when we'd try that if need be.
Start as you mean to go on?
This is one of the philosophies of the Baby Whisperer, Tracy Hogg. Basically, start from day one on your preferred method so you don't have to correct bad habits you've gotten into later. While this may be good and all for a non-screamer, I don't necessarily think it's the best for super colicky babies. Plus, I don't think it's that big of a deal to break a 9- month-old's habit. True, I haven't tried it, but my sister told me that it really only takes about a week or so when they're that little.
I can tell that as he's getting older, his ability to calm himself is better. This past week for naps I've been wrapping (leaving one or both hands out on the off chance he's going to need to suck on them), nursing (if he needs/wants to), rocking, and singing. Then I put him down in his crib (usually with his eyes open). The first day I did that he fussed for about 20 min., was quite for about 10 and ended up falling asleep. Now he fusses for about 5-15 min. and will fall asleep in about 20. His actual crying during naps is pretty minimal, I've had to go in and do a little more rocking once or twice. If he's just fussing, I'm trying to leave him so he can learn to fall asleep on his own. If he's all out crying more than 10-15 min. I can't stand it and I go back and do what I can to help him calm down. This is a huge improvement over what it used to be like. He usually naps about an hour at a time and gets sleepy within 1 - 1 1/2 hours of waking.
His night time routine needs a little tweaking I think. He's had a bit of trouble going down and I think we might be starting too late. I've started the night soothing around 8 PM (give or take about 20 min.). I do pretty much the same routine as for naps, and maybe that's part of the problem? We've only been giving him baths every 3 days since it's been so cold here and we're all having problems with dry skin (even after using lotion). However, he likes baths for the most part, so maybe I should incorporate it into the nightly routine when it warms up a bit.
Another potential problem is his evening nap after my piano lessons. He's usually pretty tired by the time I'm done with piano (around 5 or 5:30) so I've been putting him down for a nap. He will wake up around 6 or 6:30, but he still shows tired signs by 8. However, after reading Dr. Weissbluth's book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, I think we should try and forgo the 5 pm nap and try to put him down for the night by 6:30pm-7pm. Who knows? Maybe it will be the ticket to happy SleepyLand.
As for the sleeping through the night, I've decided to wait until he's 4 or 5 months before I start doing anything. I can already see improvement in his sleeping, so I won't push him too fast. He's still a little guy. At that point I think I will start completely ignoring certain wakings. If it's only been 2 hours, he shouldn't be too hungry. If it's been 4 or more, I'll go in and feed him. And then by 9 months I will do total extinction of all night feedings and endure the crying then if I need.
Lowdown on me and the methods:
Family Bed
While I know the "family bed" work for some, I just can't see it working for me. First of all, I tried nursing once or twice in bed and it just seemed EXTREMELY awkward. Couldn't get the hang of it and made a big wet mess when we both fell asleep while he was nursing. Plus we only have a queen size bed and that's a little too snug for 3. Moreover, he's a light sleeper and I think it would be our demise. And I won't mention the negative impact it would have on our intimate life! Ok, ok. So I did just mention it.
No cry method
This is where I naturally gravitate. I can't STAND to hear him crying so desperately. I start getting agitated and sometimes even angry. Angry that he's still up crying when I KNOW he's super tired. Angry that Matt's tendency is to let him cry it out for at least 30 min. Angry that I've heard it too much that day. I've tried tuning it out with music or earplugs, but that only works about 15 min. and his crying can last much longer. Constantly comforting is a little draining, but I think I'll keep going this route a little longer. At least mostly. If I've given everything I absolutely can give for a night, I'll set him down and let him cry until he falls asleep or for 30 min. until Matt feels compelled to go check on him, whichever comes first.
Cry and Comfort
This is super hard for me because to be effective, I think the key is not to pick him up during the "comfort" phase. After the 5, 10, 15, 20 or 30 min. interval you've set, go in and talk to him or pat him until he's calm and then leave again. The few times I tried this his cries became more intense and I couldn't handle it. I would go back in and pick him up and start all over again. Plus, Dr. Weissbluth said that for super fussy/colicky babies this is a slow route.
Cry and Ignore
While this may seem a little harsh, I think it will have to be the way we go when we DO decide to help him kick his night waking habit. Make sure he doesn't have a dirty diaper, stay near so he doesn't choke to death on his cries, and stick it out. I may have to recruit Matt for this given my tendency to rush in and save, but he's Dean's parent too and can sacrifice a few nights for the greater good. My sister mentioned that in Weissbluth's studies of 2000+ kids, no babies older than 9 months NEEDED food in the middle of the night. So, that is probably when we'd try that if need be.
Start as you mean to go on?
This is one of the philosophies of the Baby Whisperer, Tracy Hogg. Basically, start from day one on your preferred method so you don't have to correct bad habits you've gotten into later. While this may be good and all for a non-screamer, I don't necessarily think it's the best for super colicky babies. Plus, I don't think it's that big of a deal to break a 9- month-old's habit. True, I haven't tried it, but my sister told me that it really only takes about a week or so when they're that little.
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