Letting go and finding unity

A month or two ago, I found myself playing the classic role of the critical, nagging wife. Well, let me correct that statement. I didn't find myself there. It was pointed out to me, and it was a correct evaluation.

It hit me pretty hard because I've always tried really hard not to be that wife. Yet there I was.

When Matt and I were dating, it was pretty apparent that we had differences of opinion on child discipline and child rearing. I figured we'd both kind of mellow out over the course of our marriage and come to a general consensus on how it should be handled.

While I think we have both changed and matured in our understanding of parenthood, new issues and challenges have arisen. Child rearing is so much easier in theory, and I have kind of floundered in actual practice. I'll read a book and try that theory. Read another book and see if that's better. I bounce back and forth on how to actually achieve what it is I'm wanting. I know I am not as consistent as I should be, mainly because I'm not positive that what I'm doing is "the right" way to handle things.

Matt, on the other hand, is very consistent. I have to give him credit for that. He definitely borders on authoritarian/drill sergeant parenting, but he is very good about holding boundaries and sticking to his discipline and parenting method.

In all my MFHD classes we were taught that authoritative/consulting parenting is the best, so when I felt Matt was coming down too hard or expecting too much of a 2 year old, I began pointing it out. Continually. In front of the kids.

Now, that is not good.

When I realized what I was doing, I decided I needed to change something. But how, and what? I started reading through talks and articles on lds.org and came across 2 articles that really spoke to me. I highly recommend you read both.

The first is Overcoming Differences of Opinion by Elder Robert E. Wells. Here are a few selections from it.

Repeated criticisms of this negative and acid nature can wear away the bonds of love until the marital fabric is weakened and ruined—with sad results for both parties.

Too often, criticism attacks tender, unprotected feelings. When we criticize, we are implying blame, censure, condemnation, reprobation, and denunciation—and we’re setting ourselves up as judges, as if we were qualified to point out someone else’s faults and weaknesses.

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One of you might begin by asking, “What can I do to be a better husband (or wife)?” Then the other responds kindly with ideas and suggestions.

As you share your feelings and give your partner suggestions, be humble and nonthreatening. Don’t assume that you’re always the offended one and that your spouse is the guilty one. Remember, too, that in many situations, it’s not a matter of who is right and who is wrong—it’s simply a matter of understanding each other.

I’d suggest that you avoid a written list of faults. This is a time when relying on memory is more considerate than reading a host of complaints. Another rule you might establish is for each of you to limit the number of suggestions you bring at one time—no more than two or three at most. That way, the experience isn’t as likely to be so overwhelming.

As you’re the one receiving the suggestions, don’t become defensive.

The second was The Call of the Mild by Martha Wilder.

Although my husband was an excellent father, I often felt irritated and angry. I wanted him to fit the image of what I thought he should be. I had certain ideals and goals I wanted implanted in him.

[advice from her dad] 'Be gentle in your persuasion while recognizing his strengths and achievements. Be an example without criticizing. In your rush to achieve your goals, you may be sending a silent message that he’s not measuring up. He’s a good man, Martha, and he needs to know that you think so, too...One of the most insidious cracks in any marriage is when partners wonder if they made the right choice. The marriage begins to fall apart because they quit working at it'

There was a follow up to The Call of the Mild in that Ensign entitled, "How can I improve my relationship with my spouse?" by Martha's father. Here are the 7 suggestions:

1. Avoid negative thoughts. Avoid comparing your spouse with someone else. Instead, think of what you like or appreciate about him or her. Make a list and add to it frequently.
2. Avoid snipping. Don’t make derogatory remarks about your spouse in front of others, and don’t allow others to criticize your spouse within your hearing. Instead, say something positive about your mate in front of others, especially when your partner is present. It will reaffirm commitment and bolster self-esteem.
3. Do something positive for your spouse each day: a cup of hot chocolate, a surprise note, helping with a chore that your partner usually handles alone. Be creative—and don’t keep score.
4. Don’t set limits on the work you’re willing to invest in your marriage. Love is not a 50/50 proposition. You should avoid measuring the “amount” you’re contributing to your marriage.
5. Avoid making demands or ultimatums. Nothing brings out stubbornness and resentment faster than an ultimatum.
6. Practice meekness. Many people equate meekness with weakness. But meekness in reality is a strength. It results in a person becoming compatible with others and being teachable.
7. Study the references to the words charity and love in the dictionary of the LDS edition of the King James Bible. Let the scriptures expand your understanding of eternal love.

Also, it's also good to remember James' advice in James 1:19 "let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath." Now, that's something I need to post on my wall!

After reading these articles, instead of writing Matt a note or having a conversation detailing where our child rearing philosophies veered (and why I felt he was wrong and I was right), I felt really strongly that I needed to just let him know that I knew I was wrong for criticizing him in front of the kids, and that I would try harder to stop rescuing Dean and start communicating my concerns more appropriately with Matt. I also felt like he needed to know that I really did love and appreciate him as a husband and father. I'm not sure if my note meant more to me or him. After doing that, I noticed how stressed out he was at work. I felt more love toward him. Instead of making home a place of criticism and stress, I tried harder to make it a safe place filled with love and appreciation. Do I do this every day? Unfortunately I have relapses like everybody else. But I'm learning little by little. Do we see eye to eye on child discipline? No, but I'm more willing to step back and stop talking and intervening so much.

What's a mother to do?

Everyone went to a Shark's hockey game tonight except for me and the boys. Walt went down for bed in less than 5 min. Dean, on the other hand has been going on and on and on for over an hour and a half now.

Since being here we've tried pretty much every sleep situation possible. The first week he went down really easily, but he kept waking up in the middle of the night. So I stopped giving him naps for about 3 days. By that third day he was sleeping through the night, but I could tell he was super tired throughout the afternoon and he was falling asleep in his dinner chair by 5:30 pm. So we started giving him naps again and tried putting him to bed a little later. This, however, started a very long, drawn out bedtime.

Though he already has his "special flashlight", he discovered that he can turn the light on in his room, so he does and starts playing with his toys. He comes out telling us he needs something. He wants me to stay in the room. He wants me to hold his hand. I've tried staying a few extra minutes. I've tried leaving his door open and the hall light on. I've tried staying by his bed and holding his hand. I've tried sitting in a chair by his door (so he can't escape or turn the light on). Everything works for a little while and then it stops working.

After an hour and a half of this tonight, I started getting a little tired and frustrated. I finally told him I wanted to say an extra prayer. I knelt by his bed, started praying, and began crying as I asked Heavenly Father to bless him to not be scared and to go to sleep. When I finished, he said, "Please say more prayer." So, I started again and paused after I said, "Dear Heavenly Father" He then started his own, "Dear Hevn'ly Father. Gank you for day. Bless Dean no get scared. Bless daddy hockey game. Gramma at hockey game. Grampa at hockey game. Everyone at hockey game. Dear Hevn'ly Father. Dean no get scared. Mommy, please say more blessing." I couldn't hold back my tears. I said another quick prayer, and he prayed again as well.

After he finished his prayer, I told him that if he ever got scared he could always pray to Heavenly Father to help him not get scared. I then told him I needed to go. He came out one more time after I left. I put him back one more time. As I was leaving I heard again, "Dear Hevn'ly Father. Gank you for day. Dean no get scared...." Finally, I think he is asleep.

I love my little guy and I hope that I can help him be a secure little boy. I also hope that I can figure out how to help him and find a good schedule so we don't have to go through an hour and a half bedtime routine every night. I hope this is the beginning of him finding comfort and peace through prayer.

If the government was a parent...

...they'd be a pretty crappy one.

My parenting books I ordered came today and I just had to laugh at a particular paragraph out of Parenting with Love and Logic.

"The irony is that helicopter parents are often viewed by others as model parents. They feel uncomfortable imposing consequences. When they see their children hurting, they hurt too, so they bail them out. But the real world does not run on the bail-out principle. Traffic tickets, overdue bills, irresponsible people, crippling diseases, taxes--these and other normal events of adult life usually do not disappear because a loving benefactor bails us out. Helicopter parents fail to prepare their kids to meet that kind of world."

HA! The authors couldn't have forseen the ridiculous bail outs that came with this new administration...

Obey!

This post might be a jumbled mess of thoughts, so my apologies.

Life is always easier said than done. "If I were her mother, I'd set her straight." or "My child would never be such a bully." (I think in bold and italics. Deal with it!) I realize now that parenting is much easier when it's not your child, you're not emotionally involved, and you think a textbook answer is sufficient and would work in every situation. It's easy to think "good parent, good child" or "naughty child, bad parent". But the truth of the matter is that children have their agency and their own minds just like adults! Kids can just come high strung, low key, mellow, angry, helpful, soft spoken, outgoing, introverted, slow to warm up, easy etc. Every child requires something different, and it's really hard to know what "good parenting" is!

I have been struggling with knowing how to respond to Dean's heightened disobedience. He's really into testing our limits and resolve. We currently employ time-outs when he misbehaves, but Matt and I have different ideas of what behavior warrants a time-out. I generally like to reserve an official 2 min. time out (one min. per year of his life) for harmful behavior. That means if he is destroying my house/items or kicking, hitting, biting, etc. people he will be put in a time out after a warning. I tell him why he's going into time out before, and have him tell me why he was in time out when I get him.

Matt thinks a 2 min. time out should be used any time he disobeys. And if it were up to him, he would leave Dean in time out for 15 min. if his behavior was very harmful (though this hasn't happened because I don't think that a 15 min. time out is appropriate for a 2 year old!). He also stresses to Dean that he is being punished because he's being bad. I really don't like the emphasis on punishment, but I understand why he feels it's necessary.

I would love to know how to better teach and positively reinforce in the heat of the moment rather than punish and yell. (Any suggestion on things that help you?) I don't want to be the yelling mom, and I find myself yelling way more than I should. My anger is short lived and I do show lots of love after and admit I am in the wrong when I do, but still...I should not be a victim of my emotions. I control my emotions and am self-deceived if I think otherwise.

I often get angry at having to repeat over and over and over for him to stop doing something. I'll physically remove him from a situation and try to divert his attention to have him dart right back to what he's not supposed to do. And oh does that irk me. I know, I know. This is normal and he is only two. That's hard to remember sometimes in the heat of the moment.

Once when he repeatedly did naughty things to Walt, I roughly picked him up, swatted him on the bum, carried him to his room, and practically threw him in his crib (yelling all the while). As I was yelling at him, I realized that at that very moment I was doing something I knew I shouldn't. I was reacting out of anger rather than acting out of love. I know it's not good or effective parenting tactic. I know it's not sanctified by God. I know it's something that Satan revels in. And yet I was doing it. And I'm an adult!! How can I get so angry at him for disobeying me when I am disobedient myself? I understand that I'm acting inappropriately. He doesn't really.

This morning I thought, "I wonder if God wants to pull his hair out and scream when we're repeatedly disobedient. Or if He ever thinks, 'how many times do I have to tell you [...]'. or 'if you just obeyed me you wouldn't have gotten hurt!'"

I really need to work on obeying God and more consistently act out of love instead of react out of anger.

Helping adult children help themselves: is it too late? For Anon.

Awhile back, Anonymous commented on my Helping Children Help Themselves post. Anon. had some questions I wanted to prepare myself to answer, but I am only now getting around to answering them. Hopefully Anon. will read this, and hopefully it will help. Sorry it took me so long to respond! Let it be known I am not a certified therapist or counselor, I don't have adult children, and I'm just an opinionated person who took lots of classes and got a BS in a marriage and family related major. Please, if anyone reading this is more qualified or wiser than I am, contribute your thoughts in the comments.

So, what do you do to make up for the past?

Well, it's easy as a parent to look into a mirror and see a distorted perspective like we're at a carnival fun house. Have we made mistakes? Sure. Are they as big or as bad as we think they are? Maybe, but it's also possible that we're horriblizing our role in the problem.

A wise leader said, "The first thing you should understand is that you can’t go back and begin where you once were. But all is not lost. You can begin where you are. Choose to begin your [change] now."

You can't go back and fix the mistakes in the past, but you can acknowledge them and then learn from them and do what you can not to repeat them. It is never too late to improve yourself as a parent by learning to set and keep boundaries.

My daughter is now 19 and and lacks the motivation to even take advantage of opportunities that are given to her.

I'd try and figure out the root reason your daughter is lacking in motivation. Is it because she's too comfortable living off of someone else's (usually your) hard work? Is there a factor of drug or alcohol abuse? Peer pressure? Low self-esteem? Learning disorders? There are lots of possibilities, so it's up to you to try and figure out the underlying problem. You must come to a realization that your 19 year old daughter is ultimately responsible for how she responds to your changes and efforts.

She will probably test your resolve to change, push your buttons, lay the guilt on thick. It's up to you to keep in mind that you love her, and because you love her you will maintain the new boundaries. Always respond with love in your heart rather than anger. A great, great book(s) to read is Leadership and Self-deception and/or Bonds that Make us Free. Bonds is much longer, but it is geared more to a family situation where as leadership is an easy read set more for corporate. They both say a lot of the same stuff.

I am not rich and struggled to obtain a school loan for her (which I agreed to help her pay off) The school is in another state (where her boyfriend lives). I receive updates from her all the time about how school is going only to find out that she hasn't even been attending classes and has now been dropped from the program.

Honestly, I don't know much about loans and/or the terms of your loan. If you're a co-signer on her loan, I would imagine that regardless of her decisions you'll have to continue paying or your credit will be shot. If you were not a co-signer on her loan, and the agreement to help out was only verbal, I would definitely have a talk to her about your terms for helping out. The loan is for school. If she is not in school, she does not receive help. I would also make sure she understands how it will effect her credit rating and why that is important to worry about. Also, help does not mean you'll just pay it all. In my opinion, she needs to be responsible for at least half.

She is not working and stays at home all day with the dogs doing nothing. I don't get it. Is cutting her off financially the only option left.

Think of it as a weening process. You wouldn't want your baby to breastfeed forever now would you? The thought of it is absurd; it is just as absurd to think that you should financially support a capable adult the rest of his/her life.

It's up to you to decide if cold turkey or gradual weaning will be best for your situation. I would set terms and conditions for your financial help, should you decide a gradual approach. "If you get a job, get back in school, and contribute to your situation, then I will help with X amount each month." Never, never, never let them have full access to your bank account. Help her understand the dangers of credit card debt. Also have a plan that she is fully aware of (and stick to it) for when you will no longer contribute to her financial situation. She probably won't find a job overnight, but she can find one in a couple of months, even if it is fast food, retail, etc.

I try to guide her in positive directions but she refuses to help herself. If I have unintentionally instilled this in her, is there anything I can do to reverse the damage done. Any thoughts here?

All you can do is guide and direct to good paths. As to reversing the damage done, I'd say stop rescuing her. It's kind of the sink or swim theory. It is within her power to do both. Keep coaching, loving, guiding, and teaching (these do not equal nagging) about how to be a responsible adult. But she has the opportunity to choose to help herself or to choose to sink. It's possible she will sink, but that is her choice. It's a painful one to watch. It may be pretty rocky in the beginning and then level out. With age and maturity she might get it and start to do something productive and responsible. She honestly may not. Her ultimate success is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to help guide and direct her to better paths, continually love her, and support her good decisions.