Letting go and finding unity

A month or two ago, I found myself playing the classic role of the critical, nagging wife. Well, let me correct that statement. I didn't find myself there. It was pointed out to me, and it was a correct evaluation.

It hit me pretty hard because I've always tried really hard not to be that wife. Yet there I was.

When Matt and I were dating, it was pretty apparent that we had differences of opinion on child discipline and child rearing. I figured we'd both kind of mellow out over the course of our marriage and come to a general consensus on how it should be handled.

While I think we have both changed and matured in our understanding of parenthood, new issues and challenges have arisen. Child rearing is so much easier in theory, and I have kind of floundered in actual practice. I'll read a book and try that theory. Read another book and see if that's better. I bounce back and forth on how to actually achieve what it is I'm wanting. I know I am not as consistent as I should be, mainly because I'm not positive that what I'm doing is "the right" way to handle things.

Matt, on the other hand, is very consistent. I have to give him credit for that. He definitely borders on authoritarian/drill sergeant parenting, but he is very good about holding boundaries and sticking to his discipline and parenting method.

In all my MFHD classes we were taught that authoritative/consulting parenting is the best, so when I felt Matt was coming down too hard or expecting too much of a 2 year old, I began pointing it out. Continually. In front of the kids.

Now, that is not good.

When I realized what I was doing, I decided I needed to change something. But how, and what? I started reading through talks and articles on lds.org and came across 2 articles that really spoke to me. I highly recommend you read both.

The first is Overcoming Differences of Opinion by Elder Robert E. Wells. Here are a few selections from it.

Repeated criticisms of this negative and acid nature can wear away the bonds of love until the marital fabric is weakened and ruined—with sad results for both parties.

Too often, criticism attacks tender, unprotected feelings. When we criticize, we are implying blame, censure, condemnation, reprobation, and denunciation—and we’re setting ourselves up as judges, as if we were qualified to point out someone else’s faults and weaknesses.

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One of you might begin by asking, “What can I do to be a better husband (or wife)?” Then the other responds kindly with ideas and suggestions.

As you share your feelings and give your partner suggestions, be humble and nonthreatening. Don’t assume that you’re always the offended one and that your spouse is the guilty one. Remember, too, that in many situations, it’s not a matter of who is right and who is wrong—it’s simply a matter of understanding each other.

I’d suggest that you avoid a written list of faults. This is a time when relying on memory is more considerate than reading a host of complaints. Another rule you might establish is for each of you to limit the number of suggestions you bring at one time—no more than two or three at most. That way, the experience isn’t as likely to be so overwhelming.

As you’re the one receiving the suggestions, don’t become defensive.

The second was The Call of the Mild by Martha Wilder.

Although my husband was an excellent father, I often felt irritated and angry. I wanted him to fit the image of what I thought he should be. I had certain ideals and goals I wanted implanted in him.

[advice from her dad] 'Be gentle in your persuasion while recognizing his strengths and achievements. Be an example without criticizing. In your rush to achieve your goals, you may be sending a silent message that he’s not measuring up. He’s a good man, Martha, and he needs to know that you think so, too...One of the most insidious cracks in any marriage is when partners wonder if they made the right choice. The marriage begins to fall apart because they quit working at it'

There was a follow up to The Call of the Mild in that Ensign entitled, "How can I improve my relationship with my spouse?" by Martha's father. Here are the 7 suggestions:

1. Avoid negative thoughts. Avoid comparing your spouse with someone else. Instead, think of what you like or appreciate about him or her. Make a list and add to it frequently.
2. Avoid snipping. Don’t make derogatory remarks about your spouse in front of others, and don’t allow others to criticize your spouse within your hearing. Instead, say something positive about your mate in front of others, especially when your partner is present. It will reaffirm commitment and bolster self-esteem.
3. Do something positive for your spouse each day: a cup of hot chocolate, a surprise note, helping with a chore that your partner usually handles alone. Be creative—and don’t keep score.
4. Don’t set limits on the work you’re willing to invest in your marriage. Love is not a 50/50 proposition. You should avoid measuring the “amount” you’re contributing to your marriage.
5. Avoid making demands or ultimatums. Nothing brings out stubbornness and resentment faster than an ultimatum.
6. Practice meekness. Many people equate meekness with weakness. But meekness in reality is a strength. It results in a person becoming compatible with others and being teachable.
7. Study the references to the words charity and love in the dictionary of the LDS edition of the King James Bible. Let the scriptures expand your understanding of eternal love.

Also, it's also good to remember James' advice in James 1:19 "let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath." Now, that's something I need to post on my wall!

After reading these articles, instead of writing Matt a note or having a conversation detailing where our child rearing philosophies veered (and why I felt he was wrong and I was right), I felt really strongly that I needed to just let him know that I knew I was wrong for criticizing him in front of the kids, and that I would try harder to stop rescuing Dean and start communicating my concerns more appropriately with Matt. I also felt like he needed to know that I really did love and appreciate him as a husband and father. I'm not sure if my note meant more to me or him. After doing that, I noticed how stressed out he was at work. I felt more love toward him. Instead of making home a place of criticism and stress, I tried harder to make it a safe place filled with love and appreciation. Do I do this every day? Unfortunately I have relapses like everybody else. But I'm learning little by little. Do we see eye to eye on child discipline? No, but I'm more willing to step back and stop talking and intervening so much.

Wrapping up our Christmas Vacation: Two dates in two nights!

Date #1: Dinner at Miramar Beach Restaurant
After we got home from the zoo we fed the boys dinner, got them settled, and we did something we haven't done in 6 months, we went on a childless date!!

My MIL had a birthday coupon at a great ocean side restaurant that they weren't going to use, so we went instead. Since it was a Tuesday night, it was not crowded at all.

Most of you know I was a vegetarian for, oh 10 years or so. Even though I've been eating meat for nearly 10 years now, I have not really eaten steak or much sea food (Matt generally doesn't like sea food either). Well, I was so proud of myself. We decided to branch out. I ordered the fillet mingnon (something Matt would eat, but I normally don't), and Matt ordered sea bass (something neither of us has ever had). We basically just split our dishes. I ate and liked both dishes. I really was proud of myself. My mom always told me you have to keep trying foods because you never know if your taste buds have changed! We also got a birthday dessert for free. It was mango, raspberry, and passion fruit sorbet packed into a ball and covered with white chocolate. It was so light and refreshing and delicious! The passion fruit was the best flavor. It was nice and relaxed.

After that we went back home to find that grandma had put Dean to bed since she could tell he was exhausted from our trip to the zoo. (Walt was in bed before we left).

Matt's sister and her fam were there that night so we played some catch phrase. It was fun.

Date #2: Sharks' Hockey Game San Jose vs. Washington Capitals
The night after our dinner date, Matt and I got to go to the hockey game together. Matt's fam. are huge Sharks fans. In fact, Matt's watching a game as I type this. Mark, my FIL, graciously let me take his ticket so I could go to one of the 6 games they had tickets for.

I was a little hesitant to go because it meant leaving Walt an hour before I'd put him down for bed, and he doesn't take a bottle or anything. I fed him right before we left, and figured he'd be just fine, even if he cried a little.

I was totally exhausted and slept most of the drive to the game, but the game itself was so much fun! The second period was packed with good plays that had us on edge (figuritively speaking since you have to sit back in your chairs so as not to block others' view of the ice). We actually witnessed two penalty shots made by the Sharks. The last time that happened in the NHL was 1982! Sharks won.

The boys did fine. Grandpa walked Walt and sang to him a little bit. He cried a bit and slept the majority of the time.

Man, it would be nice to live close to family so we could do things like that more often!!!!!

It really was nice to have a date (or two) with my husband. Thanks G'ma and G'pa Bras(s) for making it possible!

Tantalizing Traditions

We haven't really established that many holiday traditions yet, however, we do have two Valentine traditions we started in 2003.

I make a delicious cheesecake. It started as an easy cheesepie (cheesecake in a pie tin), but last year I made a real New York Cheesecake. YUUUUUM. It was even better this year. Nice and creamy. Great texture. Great flavor.

He gets me beautiful Gerbera daisies. My favorite flower. (One for every year we're married.)

I also try and make an extra effort with dinner, though we don't have a set dish. This year it was one of his favorites, Millionaire Chicken. Also YUUUUM.

After dinner and Dean's bedtime, we watched a couple episodes of Battlestar Galactica and called it good. It was nice.

No frilly or expensive presents. No restaurants. Not our style.

Young Love: A story through photos

Fast Forward 4 years

The options

I'll get straight to my question since people don't always read windy posts in their entirety. If you are a parent, what sort of preparation (i.e. classes, books, methods) did you use, and was it truly beneficial to you? Or did you find that your experience was not quite like anything they described and/or you felt like even with all the preparation you were "winging it"? Some people swear by mid-wives, duolas, Lamaz, hypno-birthing, water birthing, low lighting, soft music, traditional doctors, epidurals, no baby monitoring, baby monitoring, etc. I'm just curious what you've done, what helped you prepare, and what you've found to be effective and why. I'm also interested in hearing from my one known male reader (and any unknown male readers) what (if anything) helped him prepare for it as well.

My thoughts on this really started after reading Lady Steed's comment on my "10 weeks left" entry. I had mentioned that I've decided not to take the birth-prep class (Lamaz) offered by the hospital for a $100/couple. Half joking, half serious I said my yoga would help me get through it. She responded that if I was going the epidural route that would probably be ok, but if I go natural, I need to really prepare.

In reality I think I'm somewhere in the middle. I don't despise modern technology nor think baby monitoring, epidurals, doctors and hospital beds are of the devil. I am not sold on "no meds. period." I am glad that my doctor tends to not more than a week overdue without an induction. I'd rather be induced than have a 12 lb. baby that's practically walking and talking by the time they're born. On the other hand, I do think there are benefits to going natural and letting gravity help the process along rather than just lying in bed. I would like to try the whole natural birthing experience without an epidural, but if in the thick of it I decide it's necessary, I'll not hesitate to request one.

I've heard some people's horror stories about birth and don't dwell on them and think, "Oh my heavens that could be me! What if..." I tend to take other's experiences with a grain of salt. Having said that, I am fully aware that I don't truly realize what it is I'm getting into (both with the actual birth and raising a child). However, I tend to be skeptical about how much classes like that could actually help. I'm sure there is good information given, but I guess I figure that in situations such as childbirth, one will end up turning more to natural instinct than text book answers or class room exercises. Maybe I'm wrong though. Also, I figure every body is different, every baby is different, every person experiences pain differently, and people tend to shape their experiences according to their perceptions.

Side note:
Take sex for example. Before getting married the book most recommended to me was "The Act of Marriage." It was a decent and well written book about sex and marriage, but I found that much of the information give was not applicable to my situation, my body, my responses, my partnership etc. Other books I read previous to getting married were the same. It's hard to take something so personal and try to generalize it and make it applicable to the masses.

So I guess that brings me back to you, dear reader. According to your experiences and perceptions, what was helpful and what was not? I really should decide shortly if Matt and I should do some outside prep. class.

A marriage svithe

I know I've written about marriage before, but it's been on my mind the past couple of weeks because of some discussions I've been having with a friend from work.

Last night as I climbed into bed after finishing Harry Potter, I slipped in next to my already sleeping husband and thought, "Wow, I sure do love him."

My friends from work often commented on my marriage being perfect, wondering how I do it. A couple of them have been through bitter divorces and some are in patchy marriages. And then there are others who really seem to be happy in their marriages. So what really makes the difference? Why are some marriages so miserable why others seem to be perfect? While I can't answer for everyone, I can give a few things I like to keep in mind that help me feel content and happy in my marriage.

First of all, I think it's good to remember a quote that I used in a svithe post/ sacrament talk about happiness. "Happiness is not give to us in a package that we can just open up and consume. Nobody is ever happy 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Rather than thinking in terms of a day, we perhaps need to snatch happiness in little pieces, learning to recognize the element of happiness and then treasuring them while they last." (James E. Faust, "Our Search for Happiness,: Ensign, Oct. 2000, 2)

Happiness in marriage is no different really. It's not all peaches and cream. I'm not happy with him nor is he with me 24-7. We each have our moments of frustration. People aren't perfect which means that no marriage can be "perfect." (Unless you count perfection in this instance as a mutual desire to make sure the other person is happy while you both over look a lot of things, make compromises, and are quick to forgive and move on.) Marital bliss is not possible to maintain 24 hours a day, seven days a week. So we must treasure the happy moments, recognize and give praise when the other person is really trying, and feel love (or pray to feel love) even when it seems like they are giving us plenty of reasons not to love.

Probably the biggest block to marital happiness (in my mind) is selfishness. In an email to a friend this week, we were discussing about how hard it was for her to want to do nice things for her husband when he's so darned selfish. My response was steeped in my Leadership and Self-deception indoctrination from school...

The crazy thing about selfishness/selflessness is this: If someone else is selfish and self-centered, always "keeping score" as to how much they do, people tend to not want to help them. Then when other people don't help them, it "gives them a reason" (in their mind) to have a chip on their shoulder; that then reinforces their self-justification for their selfishness. "Since no one else will look out for me, I've got to look out for me!" They feel justified in their behavior.

So in your case, [your husband] can be selfish sometimes, right? So you don't want to dote on him or be overly nice, etc. But then he sees you as being the selfish one and that makes him feel justified for not helping you more. So when one person starts helping and loving unconditionally, stops keeping score, etc. the element of competition and contention starts to dissipate and the other person tends to soften.

The hardest part is that people often don't want to be the one to change first because they're afraid they'll be taken advantage of. And that may be the case for awhile, but I've found that if you give others a different person to respond to consistently, they'll start becoming a different person themselves. So it's really cyclical and both people play a part in the couple's happiness or unhappiness.

Now, this really is just scratching the surface, because you can get into behavior vs. way of being (among other things). Meaning you can act nice toward a person while maintaining resentful feelings. When that happens you often feel like you're being "the better person" and set yourself up as a martyr when the person doesn't respond in kind. That then perpetuates the negative cyclical interaction and you don't really obtain any sort of happiness from your "positive" behavior while you harbor the resentment.

One of my all time favorite and powerful talks is "The Challenge to Become" by Dallin H. Oaks given in the October conference of 2000. "...Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become."

To extend this thought to marriage, our spouses don't respond just to what we do. They respond to who we are--who we have become. Just as we need to become truly converted to being a disciple of Christ to obtain the blessings of heaven, we need to become converted to becoming a better and more loving spouse to obtain those treasured moments of marital happiness.

He continues in his talk, "Now is the time for each of us to work toward our personal conversion, toward becoming what our Heavenly Father desires us to become. As we do so, we should remember that our family relationships—even more than our Church callings—are the setting in which the most important part of that development can occur. The conversion we must achieve requires us to be a good husband and father or a good wife and mother. Being a successful Church leader is not enough. Exaltation is an eternal family experience, and it is our mortal family experiences that are best suited to prepare us for it."

So there it is. My take (today) on how to keep marriages alive and happy. It starts with us because who we are is the basis for all our interpersonal interaction and personal happiness.